Why You Should get a Caffeine Addiction

Get yourself a caffeine addition. What’s there to lose? You’ll look great, feel great, and best of all you’ll be getting shit done as the universe intended - wired out of your mind.

Upsides of having a caffeine addiction

Get more done

Duh. The classic reason to drink more coffee! Did you know that by spending less time not in the midst of a caffeine high, and more time yes in the midst of one, you can not only increase your productivity but also your work output and your task effectiveness as well? I’d like to see shitty drugs like weed or heroin do that!

Enthusiasts of those drugs out there talkin’ about like “hey mayaan, weed mellows me out and lets me clear my mind and channel my inner spirit, which is really crucial for my creative work duude” but have they ever practically mainlined aviation fuel mixed with Satan's fingernail dirt and gone into a fever-trance, during which their heart stopped and restarted no less than 4 times, in order to redo an entire 80-page research paper from scratch a full 24 hours before the deadline because they accidentally irreversibly erased the hard drive holding the only copy of the paper during a routine sweep designed to guard against identity theft? I should think not! Weed is a pussy drug for narcs who like to fingerpaint, while caffeine lets you punch mountains and make the world go round!

Sleep less

What is sleep? I am the night!

Studies show that the more time an individual spends asleep, the less time they have to be awake. Do you know what happens when you’re awake? Only all of the things you like. Meanwhile, sleep is just that ancient and mysterious urge and behavior that nearly all complex life not only exhibits, but requires, in order to function properly. Snore! By which I mean slurp, because that’s the sound that coffee makes when you fight back against the horrible, comfortable void.

You’ll finally be cool

They taught us in school that the true way to be cool is living life on your own terms. Little did they know that they were both hella right and indefensibly wrong. They were right because living life on your own terms is the only morally correct position, and for me those terms include giving both an elephant and a hummingbird a run for their money in the department of their heart’s bpm average. They were wrong because they were trying to steer us away from our liquid gold (or powdered gold if you really needed those reports done by five), and into their lives of mediocrity that includes not demolishing a toilet.

Face it; sobriety is for losers. Would you rather be a dreamer, sitting on the sidelines of life, drinking warm milk and getting to bed by 5pm, or a raging bull taking it one cup at a time, and achieving your goals like a winner - in an ambulance, screaming toward the hospital to treat your self-induced heart palpitations?

Downsides of having a caffeine addiction

Coffee is expensive

Coffee isn’t cheap no matter how you slice it. Buying the really cheap and nasty bottom-of-the-barrel stuff doesn’t cut it when you’re downing 30+ cups a day. You think coffee grows on trees? You could be paying upwards of 50 cents per cup! That money can be put to better use in the side-side-hustle you’ve picked up as a daytrader with all the extra time your addiction has secured for you. Doing it at night makes no difference - just set those trades up for the next day and thank caffeine for the opportunity!

Technically you’re dependent on an external substance to feel ‘normal’ but who gives a shit?

Word.